The Care and Feeding of Men

This Handbook was developed after having spent a great deal of time with myself over the years. Although much of these instructions may help you deal more successfully with any average male, it is not intended as a general handbook. Irresponsible use of this handbook is not encouraged (although it should be a lot of fun)

Pizza/Doritos and Caffeine
Situation: Too Much Internet (Low blood sugar)
Application: In order to decide whether to administer Pizza or Doritos, ask the patient which one they have not had in the last six hours and administer that. If neither, begin with pizza but a second dose may be required. Caffeine should be administered regardless. A patient suffering an Internet Addiction has had their DNA altered and they are no longer human beings (regardless of physical similarities) It would be impossible for them to ingest too much caffeine until their condition is cured. Recommended Doritos flavor: Spicy Nacho

Spaghetti- (Most red pasta)
Situation: General Depression
Application: Immediately. Considering the delay between cooking and serving, it is highly recommended that you always have some on hand. A freezer packed with frozen spaghetti will do if you do not have the fresh stuff readily available, but fresh is always recommended. Leftovers are adequate.

Rum & Coke
Situation: Varies (patient will indicate a terminal condition known as "Boy, I am thirsty")
Application: Immediate. One dose = 12 fluid ounces of Coca Cola followed by enough rum to top off whatever container you happen to be using (eg. large mug, bucket, bathtub, etc) More than 4 doses in a two hour period may cause systems shutdown.

Beer
Situation: Exhaustion brought on by physical exertion such as house work, taking out the trash, or about 20 seconds of either exercise or walking (even exercise that IS walking)
Application: Either during or immediately after. Set beer down and move slowly backward at least four feet, leaving the room if necessary. Do not show fear or make any sudden movements. Do not be startled if patient makes sudden movements (such as leaping for the beer or running towards it with hands making vicious grabbing motions) This is completely normal and part of the healing process.  Note: TWO beers or more must be administered or the patient will most likely suffer a total systems failure.  The risk of a systems failure is moderate when any amount of beer is administered unless patient is distracted (See Electronic Device)

Wine
Situation: Sedative. Warning: See Wine Addendum
Application: after any kind of activity. Do not plan anything with patient for at least 12 hours following. Very useful for reinforcing lights out discipline.
Wine Addendum: If wine is administered with chocolate, it is likely it could be understood as a mating call if you are female (exception: patient is aware that you also have a husband or a large boyfriend)

Chocolate
Situation: Chocolate should be treated with care as it can have drastically different effect based on when and how it is administered. Below is a list of situations and the sentiment you will be conveying listed after.
After sex: I really like you
Before sex: I want to like you a lot
During sex: I am liking you a lot
Depression because of no sex: I'm sorry you did not get liked, here is some chocolate.
General (any time): I like you, but not in that way
Application: Any

Bacon and or Fried Potatoes
Situation: Hangover or System Shutdown Recovery
Application: About a pound of either one (both if you are certain patient has not eaten much the day before), fried and force fed as soon as possible after the patient has had approximately twelve hours of sleep. This is important. You must not take 'no' for an answer. Patient might indicate that they are not hungry by throwing verbal abuse or hurling objects that may be within reach (tennis ball, clothes, book, pillow, phone, cat, etc) Pay no attention (but headgear is recommended) This is simply a delusion brought on by the hangover.

Electronic Device
Situation: Distraction
Application: If it is electronic in nature and makes noise, is shiny, very strange, or has a lot of lights, it can serve as a distraction or as a method of keeping patient in one place for roughly an hour (four hours or more is possible if device is ALL of the above) Warning: Device must have a primary function that is not aesthetic in nature. It works best if that function is not readily apparent.

Images of Sparsely Dressed Females
Situation: Operational Failure
Application: Less than ten seconds of exposure should be enough to trip the reset button and wipe the last few minutes from the patients mind. Works with most operational failures, including arguments. Warning: If used with more than a slight amount of alcohol, failure recovery will most likely still occur, but may also provoke a response as in Wine Addendum. If this occurs, the Electronic Device treatment may not be a sufficient distraction. You may have to resort to large amounts of alcohol to try to induce a total systems shutdown. Do NOT attempt to restrain patient, especially when shutdown is imminent. This will only make the situation worse and make shutdown impossible without drastic action.
    Immediately after shutdown occurs, go out and procure bacon and potatoes.