A Particle Accelerator is Not a Toy

In my continuing quest to get something for nothing, I have come the closest ever in the last couple weeks... $12.50/hr for doing practically nothing. Although I am a glorified janitor, I am more than compensated for my pride by being around some spectacularly fun high-tech equipment. Whenever I'm feeling brave, I strike up a conversation with on of the engineers. Ten minutes later I am considering paying him cash money to shut up. Engineers are a funny bunch to begin with, but these people are seriously scary.

This company is will not be named, but it's acronym is the same as one that a band with the name "Neurotic Ectoplasmic Cows" would have. The company makes, assembles and tests (more on testing later) particle accelerators. Real, ramming electrons together accelerators.

During my first day: Safety briefing:

First warning... I was issued a radiation badge... Um...

Second warning: Another employee... An engineer who works with stuff that can go boom, was with me in the safety briefing and asked me "What does 'alphabetical order' mean?"

I stare at him, hoping I'll find something in his face that tells me he's just making a tragically bad joke, but the serious face returning my stare scares me a little.

"Uh... In the same order of the alphabet..."

"Oh yeah.. Right."

Well.. So far, I'm the smartest one here and I'm just the janitor. Yay.

---

When I start work, first thing I notice is the lack of radiation badges... Called dosimeters. I ask my supervisor about it and he says that they don't work right anyway and give off false readings, so no one really wears them, but not to worry.. There is a radiation alarm for the entire building. We'll be fine. I ask him when the last time it was tested was. He can't remember.

---

The testing lab:

They are testing the smallest particle accelerator they make. Spark chamber (where the electron smashes into it's target particles to produce results) is protected by caution tape to a distance of about three feet. Engineer with a small gieger counter is standing on this (presumably safe) side of the caution tape, sticking the counter at the chamber and looking at the results. As I pass, he sees me and jokingly (at least I hope) says:

"We're not dead yet."

I stop. Turning back to him I notice office carpet has been wrapped around the chamber.

"Why is the chamber wrapped in office carpet?"

"It's an unlined chamber" he says, meaning that the chamber has yet to be coated in lead so that the miniscule (yet potentially harmful) radiation wll not escape to create havoc in our DNA.

"Um.." I say, drawing his attention to my understandable concern for the obvious.

"It's okay. This one isn't sparking."

"So what are you measuring?"

"Radiation."

"..."

"We're testing to make sure it doesn't spark unless we want it to."

"And if it does, the carpet will protect us, yes?"

"Well, no."

"I think I see a flaw in your testing procedures."

"There's no risk unless we leave it on once it begins to spark."

He switches off the counter and places it on the table, then walks away, leaving the accelerator running.....

"..." I say to no one in particular

I check my radiation dosimeter... It's too bad my supervisor said they don't work. But the building alarm will tell us if we're in danger..... Maybe...

---

There is no second floor. The single elevator in the building has no '2' button. While traveling from the first floor to the third floor, the elevator passes a spot where someone has etched in the steel "Floor #2" There is a "next level" button, but when pressed while on the first floor, nothing happens. I have seen horror movies that begin this way.

There is a fourth fifth and sixth floor, but they are only storage. The fourth floor has a large sign saying "Room must be emptied daily" complete with a thick layer of dust coating everything in the room.

---

The other day, I was re-painting lines in the floor in the testing lab... Which once again had the same accelerator in it humming away with no one around to monitor it. There was a yellow line surrounding the phone. Presumably, this is to keep blind forklift drivers from running over pedestrians on the phone. I started my painting project there, and dutifully placed a "wet paint" sign under the mistaken impression anyone at all would a) read it and b) comprehend it.... Engineers, remember? From there, the line around the phone connected with one side of the forklift boundary line that ran the length of the room.

The phone rings, and a woman comes out of one of the adjacent rooms to answer it. She walks around the sign without reading it and picks up the receiver. Her feet manage to miss stepping on the paint by a couple of inches. During her call, her eyes catch sight of me, still rolling paint onto the floor, extending the line further across the room, and keeping an eye on her. Slowly, her eyes travel back along the line I have painted until she is staring at her feet. She takes one step to the side. Ending her brush with potentially yellow feet.

I was discussing the various types of accelerators with one of the engineers the other day. He said that they sold one of their big ones to a research company in Pakistan..... Fallujah, Pakistan. It breaks often, because apparently Pakistani scientists don't know how to operate it. The company has to constantly send engineers over to Pakistand to fix it, and there is a waiting list of engineers to go there. They all want to go and have to take turns.

Only another day to go then I'm off to another job.