Let me tell you a Story

Let me tell you a story, actually two stories...something that happened to me some years back. I didn't learn much from the actual incident (except what will become obvious), but I learned a lot from how I related it to others afterward.

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In hindsight I probably shouldn't have said 'Hey! get out of my pants.' quite so loud, but that thing was really in there, and I was using my left hand when I should have been using my right... Then the girl started laughing, even though she was facing away from me, and then I started to laugh too and stuff spilled out all over the ground. It was quite embarrassing because we were out in public. Luckily my nuts were okay.

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Now be honest... many of you are thinking "impure" thoughts right about now. Even those of you who know it's all just a play on words have a specific image in your mind about what I intended for you to get out of this, even the ones who aren't laughing. Let me assure you that everything I said is the absolute truth, but it was also specifically phrased.....designed to get a particular response out of you. The "real", complete story is as follows:

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I was coming out of the grocery store with a bag of groceries. The groceries were on my right arm. When I got to my car, I realized my checkbook was in my right rear pants pocket. I don't like sitting down with anything in my back pockets, so I went to take it out. Instead of just shifting the groceries to my left arm or setting them down, I used my left arm to reach my right pocket. My fingers kept slipping as I was trying to balance the grocery bag. As I got momentarily frustrated, I said (mumbled I thought) 'Hey! get out of my pants.' speaking metaphorically to the checkbook. On the other side of the car a couple were standing with their doors open, talking to each other across the roof. The girl obviously overheard me and started laughing. I realized what I had said and I started laughing. The bag of groceries became unbalanced and some of them spilled onto the ground next to my car. What didn't spill out was the open bag of peanuts I was munching on while I walked to the car.

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In comedy, this is pretty common. A good comedian can make anything funny simply by changing how the story is told, usually called a "play on words". In politics, this is known as "spin", and there is little that is funny about it. It's not lying. It's just being very selective in not only what facts are revealed but HOW they are revealed. Sloppy spin doctors will also attempt to distort the facts obviously to lead you to where they want you to go, as if I had said "Sounds a little kinky, huh?" at the end of my first little story to prod your mind into the gutter. Good spin doctors will just sit back and let you draw your own conclusions secure in the knowledge that most of you will come to the conclusion the doctor wants you to. When called on it later, they can plead ignorance or just say "I didn't tell anyone what to believe. I just presented the facts." That is a lie. They didn't "just present the facts" They made the facts say what they wanted them to say, leaving out context and other details that would have told the true story.

Outside of comedy, I dislike selectively telling a story like this. I consider spin dishonest, as is lying when everyone knows you are lying (standard lying is okay, provided you have a good reason) A little spin I can handle, but these days it seems to be the only language that politicians understand or can speak. It's as if they don't know how to speak plain english (or whatever) anymore, and if you think the politicians from your own party aren't doing it to you, that they are being completely honest with you, I would like to know how you could come to that conclusion. Specifically what makes you think that the person YOU voted for (or intend to vote for or just really like) is any more honest than those you already "know" are corrupt and dishonest?

It is accepted practice in the political world and no one says anything. Ask any politician and it's everyone ELSE who does it.... not them, but they all do it, even our favorite candidate does it and we let it pass. We shouldn't let it pass because it's worse than lying. We all know politicians lie. Almost all people do it too. We are all less than truthful when we believe it is called for. Sometimes our motives are honorable. Sometimes they aren't, but it seems silly to take them to task for what we all know we do. The problem with politicians is not just that they will say or do anything... even tell the truth.... if they think it will win votes, but that they cast themselves as stunningly truthful individuals who never lie, never mistake fact for fiction, never have to apologize (unless it's for something relatively minor and only when they think it will be to their advantage) and never change their minds because they are obviously always right all of the time.

Watch them. They will say something in a press conference or or from behind a podium, then weeks later (sometimes only days or hours) they will "clarify" their former response so that it really seems like they're saying something totally different. I have to give them props for their creative minds, but if that was what they originally intended to say all along, then they are so inept with words that they shouldn't be allowed to speak..... ever..... even sign language.

This is the kind of awareness we have to go to the polls with. I don't care who you are, Republican, Democrat or "Other" There is no excuse in this day and age of the internet where literally everything our government leaders say (or even write mostly) is saved somewhere in perpetuity... to entertain the notion that how your candidate looks on camera, how charismatic they are, how good they are with words and how much they say all the right things..... really counts more than a ticks butt-hair for what they are going to do once they are in the chair they're shooting for.

Our standards must be better than that.